Although anger is one of the most common emotions known to the human race, few of us are skilled at reacting to this feeling with complete effectiveness. Many of us rely on a few specific responses that we learned as children and continue to use as adults. These learned responses can translate into either constructive or destructive behavior.
As soon as you become aware of feeling angry, ask yourself three questions:
- Is this matter important to me?
- When I look at the objective facts of the situation, is my anger justified?
- Is there anything I can do to rectify the situation?
If the answer to all three is yes, don't blow up. Sometimes it pays to take a few slow, deep breaths before you speak. On the other hand, if you get one or more no's as answers to the three questions, you need to reason with yourself or try thought-stopping or distraction to get over your inappropriate anger.
Poorly managed anger is at the root of many serious physical, social and emotional problems. By learning skills to manage your anger constructively, you are empowered to understand your own and others' feelings and resolve conflict in a non-violent manner.
RETHINK is an acronym developed and used by the Institute of Mental Health Initiatives in anger management workshops to help people have new control and power over learning to channel their anger. It stands for recognize, empathize, think, hear, integrate, notice, and keep.
Recognize when you are feeling angry. What makes you angry? Anger is often used to cover-up for other emotions…fear, stress, shame, guilt, fatigue, embarrassment, insecurity, need for control, and feeling of powerlessness.
Empathize. Try to see things from the other person's point of view. What are that person's feelings? Can you remember having a similar feeling? Learn to use "I" messages to express your feelings. ("I feel angry when…I don't like it when…I am hurt that…").
Think. Often our anger comes from how we look at things. Some experts say that our thoughts actually create our angry feelings…that no one can make us angry. How we think about a situation, how we interpret what someone says, and how we handle our frustrations and disappointments are what stirs up our anger (or calms us down).
Hear what the other person is saying; where they're coming from. Check to see if you understand correctly. "I'm trying to understand what you're saying." Look into the other person's eyes to show that you're listening. This kind of active listening works both when you are the angry person or when someone is angry. When people are hurt, they want to be heard. Give feedback that you are hearing them.
Integrate respect and love with what you say about your anger. Sometimes people need to speak out their anger for a while, even if it seems disrespectful. Then they can learn and practice more respectful and caring ways to express the anger. Words, after all, are safer than actions.
Notice your body's reaction as you get angry: increased heart rate, faster and harder breathing, headaches, stomach pains, neck tension, chest pains. Learn to bring yourself under control and notice how you calm yourself. What works for you? Examples might include long walks, jogging, thinking about other ways to look at the situation, prayer, meditation, listening to music, or telling yourself "I'm OK."
Keep your attention on the present event and alternative solutions. Don't bring up old grudges and wounds. Keep your focus on the behavior that is causing the difficulty. Keep personalities out of it.
RETHINK …Learn it …practice it …it works!
Learning to control hostile feelings is an ongoing process requiring time and effort. Controlling your anger doesn't mean never feeling angry. It doesn't mean ignoring injustice. While anger is often inappropriate, sometimes it can be a signal that you, or someone you care about, is being mistreated. Your goal in learning to control your hostility does not require you to become insensitive.
Anger is not a bad emotion. When managed effectively, it is no worse than any other emotion that we deal with, such as happiness and sadness. However, when not handled, anger can lead to rage, which leads to violence…which leads to trouble (and often regrets) for all.
The CSU Counseling Center is here to help. For more information, or to schedule an appointment, call the Counseling Line at (843) 863-8010.
The CSU counseling services office:
Dr. Jill Ilagan
Glenda Nanna
Russell West
2nd Floor (ROTC hallway)
phone: (843) 863-8010
e-mail 
